The Submissive Wife’s 20 Answers

 

 

 

3

 Why can’t my husband do this? Can’t I just tell him to dominate me?

 

The intention of this process is to help you understand with complete clarity your own instincts, rather than simply reacting to them or—as is usually the case—being overwhelmed by them. It does this by guiding you through a careful, thorough exploration of this important aspect of your life.

 

But your instincts are yours, not your husband’s. Many women find themselves in marriages to men who have become disengaged, or who have embraced passivity, or who abstain from traditional masculine responsibilities, perhaps unwittingly, perhaps out of conditioning imposed by the culture in which we live. They are not entirely to blame; this is an extremely androgynous time. While for most people in most places at most times, relationships based on clearly understood dominant and submissive roles are normal and natural, today such relationships are seen as aberrant and even bizarre. It’s not surprising that men lack sufficient cultural encouragement to manifest their own dominant instincts. Expecting a man to direct this kind of instruction today is unrealistic and unfair and very often even discussing “submission” with him will cause him only to withdraw further.

 

Text Box: A NOTE FROM THE PROJECT In some instances husbands can indeed provide the instruction necessary to guide you to an understanding of submission. In fact, that is the preferred method. With careful reflection you will know whether or not this is possible in your own marriage. Participation in our community’s forum can provide you with the wisdom gained by others. In practice however the familiarity of married life may often make this kind of guidance difficult and even counterproductive. The process described in this site assumes the desirability of coming to terms with your own instinct for submission and by doing so begin to affect your partner’s own reciprocal instincts. As noted, the process is not always predictable nor is it especially quick. You will always be several steps ahead of your partner and your patience will often be tested.

T

hat’s not to say that your husband will not eventually be interested in assuming the responsibilities of dominance. Hard as it may be for many of us to believe, women define men, not only culturally and socially, but also intimately, emotionally, personally. Men invariably respond to the expectations of the women in their lives especially when those expectations are well understood and expressed behaviorally and subtly and not as a manipulative gesture. You cannot nag your husband into accepting your submission. Many men, quite reasonably, see a woman’s insistence on submission as a demand and either dismiss it out of hand or are intimidated by it.

 

But the more clearly you comprehend your own instinctive needs and desires, the more your partner will be able to reciprocate appropriately. His own dominant instincts will eventually rise in response to your submissive ones—so long as you allow him time to discover those instincts on his own and as a response to you and your own self-understanding.

 

It’s a slow and gradual process, and because it operates at a fairly subtle level, it’s not always a consequential one. But as a rule, by surrendering up your own need to control, you will discover that your partner will compensate by taking that which you need to give him.

 

The effects of this process are not entirely predictable, and you may discover that the man you married is not able to accept the responsibility of your surrender in the way you had hoped—or even at all. Besides, as noted, the prevailing culture is not terribly supportive of this dynamic, so the process of change is usually not simple or easy and certainly not quick. But it is profound and it is lasting and it will be with you always.

 

 

anne: “[There is] no intention here of subverting your husband’s role. The relationship of you to this instruction is secondary to your primary relationships, and the obligation here is to always make certain that your interests come first.”

 

anaďs: “i saw changes in myself first, but as time went by and as i became more comfortable with the disciplines and exercises, it seems like he started to come around a little, like he was waking up or something. Now everything is different, finally.”

 

t.: “I will be honest and say that I never thought this would work with him. After 16 years of marriage the last thing I thought it was possible to do was to change him. I thought I would just have to live with my choices. But he did change, slowly but surely. It was hard not to push him, but I didn’t. I’m glad I didn’t, too.”

 

kyl: “i went too fast at first, i was so excited about the changes i felt. i tried to do too much too soon and it intimidated him. Then i made the mistake of trying to involve him in it. Big mistake, huge mistake. So i backed off and learned to let him change at his own pace. He still is not all the way there, but there is a big, big difference, more all the time.”

 

 

 

 

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This page reviewed and edited November 2004.