The Submissive Wife | Community | On defining ourselves

Community | On defining ourselves

The community member who calls herself "sugar sargent" recently posted an article in the public community discussion area reflecting on how we as submissive women define ourselves. As she examines the struggle for self-acceptance, she explains that external factors influence a submissive woman's journey to wholeness. Ultimately, however, awareness (and acceptance) come only after a period of contemplation and watchfulness. Originally written as a comment in the public discussion area, this resource page may be especially useful to new enquirers.

n many of the posts here, and in my own experience, i've observed that many of we submissive women have struggled, and still do, with anxieties, conflicts, and confusions related to our submissiveness. i've noticed that many of us have suffered with eating disorders, have been victims of abuse, have experienced some level of sexual 'dysfunction' (however defined) and have expressed deep concerns about whether the fact of our submissive nature indicates that we have low self esteem or even mental illness. i have noticed some of these apparent correlations and i have wondered whether there is a connection...and i think there may be, but not in the 'obvious' way (i.e. i don't think submissiveness is a problem that causes other problems...at least it need not be).

i've also noticed that the responses we have sometimes received from SO's, friends, professional counsellors, and in the mainstream media, about submissiveness, often contribute to the concern that submissiveness is intrinsically a 'weakness' or abnormality, and that the desire for Domination (be it BDSM, DD, or otherwise) is seen as a perversion.

In the absence of any easily discoverable source of an alternative view i, like many of you, struggled for many years with these worries and fears. In the face of so much conventional opinion (and, even worse, before i could even name the word or the concept of 'submissiveness' as it applied to me) i felt that there must be something deeply flawed in me, for me to have these thoughts and feelings. At times i felt deeply unhappy and thought that my submissive instincts must in some way indicate that my self esteem was weak and i didn't really like myself very much.

i have slowly, slowly come to realise, that my submissiveness is not a sign of any of these things. It has been the mainstream misunderstanding and condemnation of women with a nature like mine and yours that has primarily caused my internal turmoil and some resulting self-destructive behaviour. For many years i tried to fix this by trying to change myself to fit with what the world (or at that time, my family and friends, boyfriends and popular culture) thought was normal, healthy and successful. Of course it failed! i finally came to realise that i am who i am, and all i can do is accept and embrace that, and allow others to know that person.

ince 'accepting' myself in this way, so much of the conflict and confusion has fallen away - there is no need for me to 'rationalise' myself against anyone else's expectations or perceptions of me. If i seem contradictory or perverse to anyone else, that is because they don't accept my individual nature (and, quite possibly, that is because they don't accept their own, and so are equally intolerant of others).

i feel that so much of the unhappiness we see in the world arises from people being disconnected with and in denial of their true selves, their individual humanity, their divine purpose...and the global economy thrives on that disconnection and unhappiness - people have been lulled into thinking they can fill the emptiness or distract themself from the pain by filling it with food, and alcohol, and luxury goods, and brain-numbing 'entertainment'. And the pursuit of and preoccupation with these things can often distract and divert people from looking into themselves and accepting and dealing with their fundamental unhappiness.

i think that the fact you ladies have 'made it' to this community speaks volumes about the level of your desire and commitment to know yourself, be yourself, be the best that you can be, and to support others on what you know is a very difficult path.

t is unsurprising that the path is sometimes very difficult and painful - because you are acknowledging and embracing and seeking to move through many fundamental questions about yourself, life, and the universe...and to find your unique perspective on some of the huge clashes between 'popular' perceptions and what you know in your heart. That you have made this journey means that you are in fact stronger, but also more humble, than very many people in the world.

If you ever feel conflicted about your submissiveness, how others perceive or judge it (or would, you fear, if you expressed it to them) or whether submissiveness is a psychological abnormality, i think your greatest source of strength is to 'first, know yourself' and then 'be yourself'.

In similar vein, i think this quote from a Rabbi captures both the 'meaning' of becoming the best of oneself in life, and of not comparing oneself to others and feeling different or inferior in comparison...

In the coming world, I shall not be asked, 'Why were you not Moses?' I shall be asked, 'Why were you not Zussya?' -Rabbi Zussya

—sugar sargent

This page reviewed and edited February 2010.