The Submissive Wife | Community

Community | Women at the Well

he members of our small community are often moved to reflect on many things. In fact, the Project’s primary emphasis on watchfulness is conducive to reflection—without falling into the trap of self-indulgence and self-absorption. One way we do this is to focus on how we live in community with our sisters. Many visitors to the online component of our community find its resemblance to a religious community surprising. It shouldn’t be. Not only do we have members who live in organized religious communities, we also believe the need to understand the calling to spiritual surrender is a healthy part of living a life in which the various contexts of submission are balanced wisely.

About a year after the online community of the Project was launched, a member remarked on how the community reminded her of the Biblical story of the woman at the well. Although we come from many faith traditions (and some of us from none), the response from others was instant and compelling and within weeks, the cluster of general community discussion areas was called “The Well”—and it continues to be called that today. One reason for its appeal is addressed in these notes by j.j., a co-moderator of the discussion area devoted to spirituality and sexual submission.

love the beautiful story of the woman at the well and have found myself reflecting on it quite a bit lately. I believe that it resonates with my experience and with that of our community as a whole. It demonstrates the power of love without limits and how the transformation of one can lead to the transformation of many. I also believe that it speaks to the importance of our work.

I can say that for a large portion of my life, I have not really known, understood, or fully embraced myself. Looking back, I see that I lived suspended in a sea of suspicion, questioning myself and others. It was extremely difficult for me to trust that anyone would see all of me and love me anyway. And so, I did my very best to control what others saw of me and even what I saw of myself. I held back and put up defenses and guards. I was afraid of being unloved and unlovable. I was afraid of letting down loved ones and losing them. Even though I did not truly know how others would react, I was not willing to take a chance to see what that reaction might be. Fear colored my perceptions, the way I saw myself, others, and the world. I put myself in a box of limits and kept others far away.

I imagine that the woman at the well lived in a similar state prior to her encounter with Jesus. She went to the well alone, at a time when none of the other women would be present. Clearly, she was afraid of their potential reaction to her. They might ridicule, condemn, or reject her. She was scared and so she avoided the interaction altogether. She was suspicious of them and so limited herself.

Even when Jesus simply said, “Give me a drink,” she seemed to have up her defenses. She questioned him suspiciously, “How can you, a Jew, ask me, a Samaritan woman for a drink?” It was difficult for her to trust him; her vision was limited.

his conversation is filled with meaning for me, I now realize. Jesus did not react to her suspicion, but must have smiled and looked in her eyes when he said, “If you knew the gift of God, and who is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” She then challenged him, saying that he did not even have a bucket and so forth and questioned whether he thought he was greater than Jacob.

Again, Jesus did not react to her attempt at putting up barriers. I imagine him smiling and then telling her in the way that a person does when they are knowingly speaking truth, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The manner and confidence with which Jesus spoke these words must have helped the woman to feel safe, for it seems as though she softened a bit, asking Jesus for the water of which he spoke.

Then, just as she was beginning to trust him, he told her to call her husband and come back. I imagine that fear must have seized her in that moment; the warmness that she was beginning to feel departed. She responded, “I do not have a husband.” It is unlikely that she could have ever imagined his response. Without judgment or condemnation, he replied by saying that she was right in saying that, “For you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. What you have said is true.”

This must have shocked her on several levels. First, how did he know? Second, why was he talking to her when he knew? Why did he not condemn her? If anything he looked at her with love and was waiting to see how she would respond.

She replied, “Sir, I can see that you are a prophet. Our ancestors worshipped on this mountain; but you people say that the place to worship is Jerusalem.”

Jesus responded by saying, “Believe me, woman, the hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You people worship what you do not understand; we worship what we understand, because salvation is from the Jews. But the hour is coming, and is now here, when true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; and indeed the Father seeks such people to worship him. God is Spirit, and those who worship him must worship in Spirit and truth.”

I believe that the woman was moved, absorbing these words. She must have been surprised, too, since she did not really have an answer. Instead of letting go, however, she said, “I know that the Messiah is coming, the one called the Christ; when he comes, he will tell us everything.” Jesus must have looked at her with great intention and love when he gently and purposefully said, “I am he, the one speaking with you.”

I love to imagine this moment when he revealed himself to her.

t this point, there was no longer a need for words, for in this seemingly brief encounter, the woman was forever transformed. Jesus had seen her despite all of her walls, defenses, barriers, and attempts to hide and make distance. He saw aspects of her which caused her shame and fear. He saw everything, all of her. Truly, he saw her better than she saw herself and she felt it.

Jesus saw the woman, accepted her as she was, and cherished her and it felt good and right. It resonated to her core and she trusted it. She must have felt a sense of belonging, of coming home in a way. His love without limit broke through her fear and shame and defenses. It opened her, changed her, melted her, purified her, transformed her, and ultimately freed her. Jesus helped her to move beyond herself and her fear. His expression and embrace enabled her to respond to Divine Love which indeed is always present.

And so, the woman responded in the most natural way having experienced this transformation. No longer thinking of herself, when the apostles arrived, she jumped up, left her water jug, and ran off to share the good news with everyone in the village. She was no longer concerned with herself and what others might think of her or how they might react to her. It simply did not matter. She was no longer afraid. Her perceptions of herself, others, and the world had radically changed. Indeed, there was a spring of love welling up within her and she needed to give expression to it. She could not contain it and needed to go out and give herself to others without boundaries or restriction.

She was called to love without limits.

he people with whom she lived must have wondered at her transformation; she who had kept to herself suddenly was bubbling with joy and excitement and beckoning them. And so they went. They invited Jesus to stay and he did for two days. It is written that many more began to believe and trust in him and they even said to the woman, “We no longer believe because of your word, for we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this is truly the savior of the world.”

The experience of love without limits transformed the woman, driving away her fear and prompting her to love and give herself to others without limit. And so, her transformation led to the transformation of the village.

Like the woman at the well, I too have felt the desire to be close to others only to find myself putting up barriers. I have also felt the pain of not being able to let go and trust those who are reaching out to me. I wanted to let go but did not know how to let go of my fear. It has only been through my experiences of transparency and acceptance that my fear has melted away and my ability to trust has increased.

hese experiences have strengthened me, enabling me to trust and respond to Divine Love, which has further opened, purified, and transformed me. Divine Love, which is truly infinite and limitless, has set me free. Divine Love is calling me to my destiny, that is, to give myself to others without limits, boundaries, or restrictions. Indeed, I believe that this is the destiny of us all.

I can say that I feel this call so strongly; I need to give myself to others without limits. I need to take pleasure in serving others. I need to set aside my expectations of reward and instead seek to reward others. Like the woman at the well, I too can barely contain myself. I wish to shout out with joy the good news, that so much more is possible than we perceive. I too wish to offer others opportunities to experience transparency and acceptance, to feel the embrace of limitless love, and to have the opportunity to be transformed.

And this is why I believe that our community is so important and why so many of us find solace waiting at this well. Within our community, we offer these experiences to women. We offer the opportunity to be transparent in a safe place free from condemnation and judgment where all will be accepted and embraced. These experiences help to melt away fear, building the ability to trust, accept, and to respond to Divine Love, which is always present, ever desiring, ever beckoning, and ever patient for our response. And so, many who partake of the experiences that we offer will indeed find themselves opened, purified, and forever transformed, set free. This well is deep, but it also satisfies.

For those of us who have experienced transformation, our community offers a way to give of ourselves and to share the good news with others. Our work here is difficult, significant and important and can change the world; indeed, it is changing the world. For each woman who experiences transformation here carries with her the potential for her world to be transformed, as well as for the world at large to be transformed. It is all so wonderful my dear sisters. No wonder I feel honored and blessed to be a part of it as we all gather together in the center of our small community.

—j.j.

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Last review: September 2006