The Submissive Wife | Resources | On Language and Submission

Resources | On Direct Language and Submission

ew things are more difficult than trying to make the normal conventions of language work effectively with the primary assumptions of submission. This is true from the moment we first pick up that problematic word “submission” to the moment we have to fashion a passionate feeling into a plausible thought in order to communicate with a partner or with a community sister.

Much of the language for submission comes from protocols developed for BDSM and online D/s use. Even the use of upper-case and lower-case letters is a function of using this medium—at once so intimate and so alienating—to express extremely complicated relationships and the feelings we may have about some aspects of them. Honorifics, such as “Master” and “Sir”, are used in ways that freight them with meanings they can barely contain, yet they retain for many thoughtful men and women a certain residue of silliness and artificiality. In this project, we are encouraged to use respectful language always, and often these kinds of devices are the only alternatives available.

ne participant, j.j., offered some of her thoughts concerning language in submission by focusing on its capacity to transform even as it also transports. “Although words are only partial reflections of thoughts, concepts, and ideas,” she writes, “it is not uncommon for people to become attached to a particular perception of a word or even to become attached to the word itself, confusing it with the far more complicated but wordless thought, idea, or reality. Again, one obvious example of this is the word ‘submission.’”

We speak this word, “submission”, in fear because, as this participant notes, once the word is spoken, the listener “stops listening and exploring because they feel they already know: Submission means inferiority, subservience—even disposable, someone to be used then discarded.” This inability to discuss something as interesting and complicated as submission, in all of its contexts, is a source of great frustration to many of us. In our community, it is not uncommon to find women who come here simply because the word “submission” may not be uttered elsewhere without sacrificing respect and seriousness.

“Within the confines of the project,” our sister continues, “language is often used to help heighten one’s awareness. Many dulled-down words and euphemisms exist to make people feel more comfortable when speaking about things that force an awareness of vulnerability. There is nothing wrong with comfort in and of itself. It can be a problem however if it serves to help one remain asleep. More confrontational language can be useful to help heighten one’s awareness.” Indeed, the words “cock” or “cunt” or “slut,” for example, while vulgar or ignorant in other settings, have a specific value here because their use always occurs in a context of wakefulness, mirroring, for example, their use during lovemaking—or, to use a word illustratively, fucking. The use of more confrontational language in the process of formation, whether spoken, written, or even within one’s mind, can help wake one up, heightening one’s awareness and sense of reality. Outside the confines of the Project however our belief is that we partially reveal our sense of dignity and self-worth by the attention we give to simple appearances.

The notes that follow address specific examples.

Note 1: THE TRANSATLANTIC FUCK.

Many obscenities in American English have lost their power as confrontational language in the UK. Fuck for example, has become so commonplace that it may be interpreted a thousand different ways depending on the context and tone in which it is spoken and accompanying words. To illustrate, fuck me! could be a dominant demand, a friendly invitation, a hostile challenge, an exasperated self-admonishment or an exclamation of awe and surprise. Fucking is now commonly used as an additional adjective when extra emphasis is required—i.e., “fucking awesome”. The word “bloody” followed a similar trajectory from blasphemy to bland.

Because our intention is to use confrontational language in private circumstances and in internal reflection but to reflect self-worth, discipline and pride in our formation elsewhere, we try to use words wisely—even when only a good fuck will do. We may imbue a fuck with marital love or we may see it as an act of selfless giving, but “intercourse” hardly does it justice either way.

—juliet

Note 2: A CALL FOR MORE SLUTS.

In conventional terms, the word "slut" symbolizes a woman who is considered to be "easy" and available sexually to nearly anyone with little or no discrimination. But unlike a whore, a slut does not have sex for money. Neither word of course has a positive connotation. Nevertheless, I have come to love and embrace the word slut and try whenever possible to live my life as one.

“Slut” is a word appropriated by various types for various reasons. Aggressive men and women use the word as a term of humiliation or derision. Sometimes it’s used in a self-mocking way. Like “cunt,” it is an extremely provocative word. The use of it certainly invokes awareness and thus squares nicely with the Project’s embrace of direct language.

It also has important an important meaning within the confines of the community. The word “slut” symbolizes one who is available, ready, and willing to do anything when offered an opportunity to give of herself. It symbolizes one who seeks to give rather than receive and one who, in giving, gives without limits or expectations. "Slut" thus suggests one who has the freedom to give with abandon, happily, willingly, and sincerely, without self-concern or interest in getting something in return. A slut is not self-seeking or self-gratifying. She gives herself completely, going beyond herself, outside herself. She is free; fear does not hold her back. But her happy abandonment of self often causes fear in others who typically treat sluts with disapproval and even anger. In the eastern religious traditions of Christianity, a “fool” is one who abandons self and even seeks humiliation as a way of surrendering to God. In this context, many sluts are also fools.

Other similar words do not have a similar significance. A whore, for example, is self-seeking and controlling; she gives to any who ask, but only for reward. She makes herself available within rigid limits that exist to give her an advantage in what is even philosophically a superficial exchange of service for money. Whores need not be sexual only, and in the understanding of the Project, their role is not at all a submissive one and only notionally a sexual one. Whores exist in all walks of life, trading principles, beliefs or false affections for a reward of cash, power, status. Many whores are thus accorded a great deal of societal approval.

It seems to me that one can live the life of a slut in all manner of ways. It simply requires a willingness to respond to opportunities as they come and an eagerness to give oneself to others freely and happily. Opportunities present themselves everyday; a slut is awake and watchful. She is ready to respond, eager to give herself to others in whatever way she is desired. If only we were all sluts and had fewer whores in the world!

—j.j.

Note 3: THE CUNT – TO SPEAK IT IS TO TOUCH IT.

The word “cunt” is terrifying in its ugly intensity to many. In modern Britain, “cunts” have followed “fucks” in being subsumed into vanilla usage; for example, some of power of “cunt” has been stripped by its use as a commonplace epithet, a substitute for bland words such as “twit” or “idiot”. Nevertheless, even in the UK, when the word is used specifically to describe female genitalia, it retains its power to shock and even to arouse. Just as “penis” is a word used by many women as a more comfortable substitute for a cock, the word “pussy” is often used to create a euphemistic expression for a cunt. Most of us would prefer to be fucked by a cock, not by a penis, and we’d prefer to be fucked in our cunts than in our pussies. Using “cunt” in such a direct manner adds value to the word, since, as with many such words, it is difficult for an intelligent woman to use it thoughtlessly.

—em

“In many ways,” concludes j.j., “the increased focus that comes with direct or confrontational language, especially over a sustained period of time, leads to transformation. It helps one to be more aware of the potential that lies within us. The more that we experience this potential, whether it is in the form of goals met or prayers answered, the more I will believe. The more I believe, the more I will attempt to tap into this potential, unleashing some of the infinite possibilities.”

This resource page is intended for project participants or monitored members. It may not be duplicated or redistributed.

This page reviewed and edited September 2006.

Related link: Accountability

This resource page is intended for project participants or monitored members. It may not be duplicated or redistributed.